Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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