You just made me feel so damn special
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
