Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
