you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
