why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
