Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
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