3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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