I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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