My nipple is on Facebook.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
