haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I need a beard to bite.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
