I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
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