Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
