I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I forget how to act sober
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
