And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
