I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
