You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
