I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize