Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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