i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
