I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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