I hope mine doesn't look like that
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
