Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
