my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
