i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
