tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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