I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize