I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
