halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
