ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize