I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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