i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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