It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
