I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
