I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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