i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
