Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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