If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
