her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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