I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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