I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
