I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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