she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
