you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
