I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
