A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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