I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
