i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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