if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We have started to decorate penises.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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