I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
