just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
