Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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