I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
