Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
