You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
