I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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