textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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