??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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