Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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