I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
